Be the Change

I believe that you learn something new everyday; whether that something new is information on a topic or you learn something about the people in your life... you're constantly learning. I believe in staying open minded because different people can introduce a new point of view on ideas or situations you thought you may have mastered. I believe in constantly learning things about myself because we as humans are like onions; there are many layers that make-up who we are. In order to be comfortable with who you are and the person you're becoming, we must not be afraid to peel back a new layer. I say all of that because in my journeys throughout my life I have met some very interesting ( in my opinon) people who all have introduced a new method of thinking, a new way to accomplish something or showed me a new goal that I should consider reaching for. Yet amongst all the interesting people I have met and have the pleasure of still having in my life, I cherish those who have showed me myself; Those people are a rarity.

We all at one time or another have met a person who just feels like they have you pegged. "I know your type" is the most common phrase used when you come across those people. Majority of the time you just write them off, "Umm, No dude you have no clue who I am"... immediately turned off by the idea of what they may say without giving them a chance to explain. Alot of times we confuse being "judged" with "constructive criticism" and immediately become defensive. Something inside of you is screaming to reject the the concept being given... but do we ever stop to examine why? I am definately guilty of this and while luckily it hasn't cost me opportunites or many relationships, its a lesson still worth learning. Sometimes in life, things happen to us that causes us to become a certain way and we hold on to that incident that gave birth to this new quality. We all have baggage that we carry around but rarely do we notice when that load has become to heavy and its even more rare that we decide to unload.

Our 20's is definately a time to grow; its when we make the transition from being a helpless child to a responsible adult. We face many challenges that we sometimes feel unprepared for and overcome things that may have seemed impossible to do. Yet the biggest challenge we face is learning how to get out of our own way and to be accepting. Many people compliment my intelligence and how loving or friendly I am, yet the demanding side of me seems to shine through as well. I'm demanding because I had alot of demands placed on me growing up and never really had a voice; being picked on in school didn't help this at all. So as I got older I felt the need to be the same way because I felt that was the only way to be heard, respected and acknowledged. No one ever told me that despite how people act towards me, that there was nothing wrong with me and it was ok to stand out. It took me almost 26 years to discover that this was the issue and 1 night to decide to change it. To grow is to learn and to learn is to be accepting of all lessons.... even those about yourself. My dear 20-Somethings, It takes a smart person to recognize their own flaws, but its takes a brave person to do something about them.

For the Good Times...

We all crave the easy breezy beautiful days... You know the days where everything just go your way. There's no arguments to be had, the sun's shining... We all long for those days. Yet when they come, do you maximize those moments? I'm believer in allowing the good times and moments in my life to linger; meaning that I don't miss an opportunity to be happy, smile and enjoy myself. I realize we all have stressors in our lives whether its your job, your home life, friends, etc. and we're all guilty of letting those things restrict our view. It's hard seeing the sun for the clouds that randomly appear, but if we don't take notice everyday will start to seem mostly cloudy. Allowing the good moments and experiences in life linger sounds like a simple thing to do... sounds. Yet most people have a hard time doing so because of the urge to control and the idea of perfection.

We must all first remember that life wouldn't be as thrilling and worthwhile if we all didn't go thru our valleys and peaks. Thus, the idea of perfection is non-existent... and in my opinion the idea of perfection sounds boring. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a control freak! Yet as I mature and gain wisdom (little by little lol) I realize that the more I tried to control these moments in life, the less they came around. I begin to go into periods where nothing good was coming in (now that doesn't mean everything was all bad, but it was alot of BLAH times if you know what I mean lol). It seemed as if everyone around me all of a sudden started to have the time of their life and I was in a rut. Once I made this revelation, slowly I started to get out of my own way... I started to free myself from self-constraining thoughts/behaviors. I stop setting really expectations on simple things and I stopped allowing myself be overcome by the fear of "What If".

Suddenly every date ( for example) I went on was great and we begin to spend more time together; It was because I allowed myself to enjoy the high of those good moments even into the next day. Having a drink with my friends became a pleasurable exp. instead of rushed and aggravating.... over time each day, no matter what may have happened that day, became just a tad bit better than the last. Now I'm in no way in the clear of allowing myself to enjoy my life but I worry less about Bills, Riffs between friends and just the uncontrollable. (Which by the way, when I began to stress less over bills and I began to make the payments easily and paying bills off!). Life will always always have its valleys... but being able to enjoy the peaks as they come will make your 20's and the rest of you life, a more comfortable ride.

FRIENDS! ... How many of us have them?

First let me start out by recognizing Black History Month starts Today! This Day in History: The 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which abolished slavery, was adopted by the 38th Congress... This has been your day in History! lol

Lately I have been noticing on all the social sites and in my personal relationships that the word "Loyalty" comes up and is often times questioned. Why is this element of the human psyche so important? Or rather the more pressing question is, why is it missing? Long gone are the days of being able to trust the person to the left and right of you. The playground friendships where I like rocks and you like rocks so we're buddies.... are long dead and are instead replaced with complex situations and various test forcing you to prove just how good of a friend you really are. Speaking for myself, I have to say... How Annoying! As 20- Somethings, life throws us enough tests and curve balls daily to send us into a whirl-wind of emotions and trials... but when we do come down from the emotional roller coaster, our friends are suppose to be there to ground and remind you of who you are.

Now that may sound nice and dandy but the reality is, how can you respect the roles they play in your life, when identifying who your friends are versus whose not, is a constant task? So how do we separate the good friend from the bad friend to determine where loyalty lie? Depends on your definition of friendship... For me, I look for 4 things that determines whether we're friends or associates ( yes, associates!)

1. Honesty- I"m going to always be honest in how I feel towards you, yet it's not just being honest with me but more importantly being honest with themselves. If you can make yourself believe a lie, then living one will be just as easy.

2. Clarity- If your able to be clear in your thoughts (and by clear I mean well thought out view points and conviction in what they are saying) how you express yourself to me and to others.. you are definitely someone I want around.

3. Consistency- Being dependable, reliable and emotionally stable are key elements to any friendship. Its hard dealing with the ever changing 3 headed monster from day to day... I need to know that you are always one way.. and I'll be more understanding when you having 1 of those days lol

4. Fearless- A good friend is one who tells you the good and the bad and is not afraid of the outcome from doing so. Sometimes you need a reality check or a reminder of your worth ( for example) ... Not a shroud of yes men, constantly agreeing with you. How do you grow mentally in a group like that?

As we get older friendships change, some mature and some become harder to keep... but no matter the case both parties must be willing to do the maintenance necessary to either sustain or dissolve the friendship. Loyalty is a factor that comes in when you both realize how much work your putting in to keep the friendship alive. That's the part I think we 20 somethings don't recognize! The amount of effort given determines loyalty.... not what they can do for you or how you can benefit from knowing that person... but the effort to show that despite what's going on, I'm still trying and I'm always here for you. If we can remember these key elements, I think we can be friends forever.

The Influence

Since the passing of my 26th Birthday and the realization that I am in fact 26 (yea young but not a kid anymore) I decided it was time to start to really pay close attention to my surroundings... more important the influences I have in my life. After all, the influences in your life definately help to shape the type of person you will be. Influences can vary from the company your keep (i.e. your friends), your place of origin (family), where you work and where you live; How strong each variable is, depends on how welcoming you are to certain influences over others. By definition the word Influence is a noun and a verb, which makes this an intanglible but very powerful substance. I say its powerful because it's an action formed from an abstract idea, which gives influences life which in turn gives them control. An Influence is the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force over you. I guess the idea of giving life to the words we use to express thoughts and our emotions is true... ( Karma believer over here lol)

Everyday I, just like many of my other 20- somethings, are all faced with decisions that can be molded and shaped by the circumstances our influences leads us into... its tiresome! Yet learning to be able to tell the good influences vs. the bad influences will make this journey through our 20's and really thru life a much smoother one. Now you may say "Well my friends love me and wouldn't lead me into bad stuations or endorse my making of bad choices... I'm my own person!" and to a certain point you being your own person is true.... to a certain point. Your influences are formed from having a common ground that you share... My mother is a project manager in the healthcare technology field, I work in business technology, all my friends work in business-related fields and the area that I live in is surrounded by businesses and other individuals who work in business administration or management... get it? This was all done sub-consciously by the way lol It was my influences that assisted in the choices that I made from who I associate with to even where I live... How powerful, right?

Now whether these influences that have assisted in the decisions I've made are good or bad... is yet to be determined. Yet I'm not completely clear of the bad influences in life and neither are you, so how do we recognize them? The term peer pressure comes to mind because it's a type of bad influence that even at our age, is still very effective. Being pressured to do or agree with an idea when you feel differently or dealing with the misdeeds of another because "that's just how they are", even making choices based off what's good for the whole and not for the being are examples of how bad influences and peer pressure can affect you. Now, not all bad influences are so obvious; some come in the most well-intentioned person you know. It's not necessarily that the idea they are trying to convey is bad, but the methodology behind it may not agree with how you do things. Ever heard of the Well- Meaning Idiot?

The way to combat bad influences is a little something called Willpower. To not be afraid to say no, to know its ok to change your mind, following your instincts or standing firm on your point and beliefs are all ways to combat and succeed. I know sometimes having to be the lone voice in the crowd is hard, but its a task that must be taken on in order to fill satisfied with yourself. Every week or so I learn something new about who I am versus who I used to be and about the people and places I'm around... its how I know that I'm growing and my dear 20-somethings, I hope you are growing too.

Setting Boundaries

Often in life we let people and situations over step the supposed boundaries we have in place.... it happens for a number of reasons. Sometimes its out of love for that person; maybe its because someone need more attention/assistance in a specific area. Majority times, if your like me, you don't even realized its happened. Being available to say, a friend or family member, is needless to say a part of the job of being in their lives. Yet when being available to aid that person in need becomes more of a burden then a joy, that 's when you  know that a boundary has been crossed. I myself struggle with wanting to help so much, that I have a hard time recognizing when I'm being used or taken advantage of. I guess it feeds into the whole theory of "Taking someone Kindness for Weakness"... For most people the act of giving, being a shoulder to cry on and often times helping to find the solution to problems are often the situations that boundaries are crossed most.

So how do we stop this from happening? Honestly, we can't because as long as there are lines to be crossed, there will be people who will go the distance. Moreover, the problem lies not in the crossing of said boundary but in the acknowledgment that there are, in fact, Boundaries. When a boundary has been crossed you most often times feel embarrassed, used, exhausted or drained, confused, upset or downright distraught. When these feelings become overwhelming its time for both parties to acknowledge what happened and find a way to resolve or dissolve the problem. When this crucial step isn't taken, it leads to other issues amongst the two parties involved.

So to alleviate all of the confusion and to keep friendships/relationships in-tact I'm going to start to follow (I recommend if this applies to you to do the same) a few rules: Be honest. Always be willing to let someone know when they have crossed the line, how will they know if its never said? Which leads me into my next point, never assume! We are not mind-readers so if something has been done that has ( for example) made you feel disrespected... don't assume they know what got you two to that point, explain it to them. Lastly, make yourself open to being willing to work to a resolution or be willing to walk away. Boundaries are important because their apart of what makes you unique. Allowing anyone, be it family or friend or Co-worker, to cross those lines with you is not ok... not vocalizing why it's not ok is even worse. Afterall, if your not willing to stand for something you fall for anything.

Originality vs. Perception

 Let's start this off with a great big HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  Hopefully you spent NYE with those nearest and dearest to your hearts and/or party hard :)

I have noticed a good deal of you have decided to change the inner you... to evolve into a different version of self. Some have decided that being the same person year after year has not yielded the results in life that you were looking for... and self -reflection is awesome! I commend those of you who have enough insight to see the need for change. As creatures of habit, sometimes it's hard to break old cycles and evolve into the best version of you; especially in the age of reality TV and technology. As 20- Somethings, sometimes we have an identity crisis where who we are/were no longer works for who we want to be; so we begin the search to discover new traits and habits to adopt. Along this path, we pick up many role models with different backgrounds and experiences because we feel we can relate or they hold the key to the type of happiness we're seeking. While looking for inspiration in others is a good thing, we must be choosy of the people we decide to base the "Newer" version of self from.

Throughout the week many of my friends including myself tune into the various reality shows "Love and Hip Hop". " Real housewives of Wherever" and so on and so forth... and then have discussions about the events that transpired . While we all watch for entertainment reasons, I know many people who watch to imitate the success and failures of these women. The lives that the people in the media have did not happen overnight and things weren't always as simple as they may appear to be for them. Some of them have done things in the past they weren't proud of or had to experience major life-altering situations to become your favorite "Housewife" (for example). Imitation is the biggest form of flattery but while trying to follow the steps of others, I believe we start to loose a bit of who we are. Originality should be the goal while undergoing any growth process. We all have a path in this life and just because you may not enjoy the comforts that another seems to doesn't devalue the path and the person you are meant to be.

I believe sometimes we misinterpret the message that is sent out with some of these reality shows. Truly we hear, see and believe what we want but alot of times, these shows are really serving as a warning. The best form of change is to look within yourself and your surroundings to find the things that no longer work; start to improve on those first. Research the role models that you decide to pick up... Ask questions and be as thorough as possible. If you want to be neater, get into the habit of picking up your clothes from the floor before going to bed. If the goal is to be on time, set your clock 5-10 minutes early; You don't have to develop OCD or plaster a time schedule on your wall to make the changes you want. Nor do you have to watch other people live their lives to inspire your own. Be the change you would like to see my dear 20-somethings and the rest will fall into place.

New Years Resolutions

 Hope everyone's Christmas was wonderful and everything you needed/wanted it to be!

Let me ask you a Question.... How many of you out there make New Years Resolutions? It's said that about 78% of those who make new years resolutions fail at keeping them... men achieve their NYE Goals 22% more than women who achieve them by 10%.  So what does that say about how realistic we are with ourselves? Moreover, how feasible and realistic are the goals we set for ourselves? My mother always preached that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail... what she didn't include in that little saying is that, the plan must obtainable.  For many of us, we spend the last few months of the year in review of the Good, the Bad and Ugly that occurred in our lives that year and by December 31st we have a laundry list full of Things to Do/Change about ourselves and surroundings for the corresponding year. While goal setting is highly endorsed by myself ( HIGHLY!) you must ask yourself this, are these resolutions important because its a new year and you wanna start fresh or are these the items that have been on the back burner anyway?

For example...

Year after year I would make the NYE Goal of losing weight; I would look at myself  and feel disgust for a moment and then say," I'm going to join a gym and lose 50lbs." yet for 3 years straight, I never attempted this goal. Despite the fact that at 23 I had high blood pressure, stood at 5"8 and weighed 240lbs... I wouldn't attempt to do a thing about my weight. it was crazy! It wasn't until 1 of my best friends and I went to an event for singles and posed for pictures that I realized that I had to do something... This was in September 2009. I immediately went into hyperactive Ebony mode and went to work... 2 years later I stand at 5'9 and weigh 168lbs. I said all of that to say this, I didn't need to set aside this goal for a specific time of year or fall into the trend of NYE... again....it was a change that I needed to make to live and be better.

Many of your NYE goals are just things that may need to happen regardless; lets not fall into the routine of making goals for the sake of making them and lets not wait until December 31st for these goals to take precedent. I finally opened my eyes and saw the need for change and made it.... In September! lol I believe in you my dear 20- Somethings, we can do anything at anytime... lets utilize the whole year to make goals and achieve them; And use NYE for its intended purpose..... TO PARTY! :)