Since the passing of my 26th Birthday and the realization that I am in fact 26 (yea young but not a kid anymore) I decided it was time to start to really pay close attention to my surroundings... more important the influences I have in my life. After all, the influences in your life definately help to shape the type of person you will be. Influences can vary from the company your keep (i.e. your friends), your place of origin (family), where you work and where you live; How strong each variable is, depends on how welcoming you are to certain influences over others. By definition the word Influence is a noun and a verb, which makes this an intanglible but very powerful substance. I say its powerful because it's an action formed from an abstract idea, which gives influences life which in turn gives them control. An Influence is the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force over you. I guess the idea of giving life to the words we use to express thoughts and our emotions is true... ( Karma believer over here lol)
Everyday I, just like many of my other 20- somethings, are all faced with decisions that can be molded and shaped by the circumstances our influences leads us into... its tiresome! Yet learning to be able to tell the good influences vs. the bad influences will make this journey through our 20's and really thru life a much smoother one. Now you may say "Well my friends love me and wouldn't lead me into bad stuations or endorse my making of bad choices... I'm my own person!" and to a certain point you being your own person is true.... to a certain point. Your influences are formed from having a common ground that you share... My mother is a project manager in the healthcare technology field, I work in business technology, all my friends work in business-related fields and the area that I live in is surrounded by businesses and other individuals who work in business administration or management... get it? This was all done sub-consciously by the way lol It was my influences that assisted in the choices that I made from who I associate with to even where I live... How powerful, right?
Now whether these influences that have assisted in the decisions I've made are good or bad... is yet to be determined. Yet I'm not completely clear of the bad influences in life and neither are you, so how do we recognize them? The term peer pressure comes to mind because it's a type of bad influence that even at our age, is still very effective. Being pressured to do or agree with an idea when you feel differently or dealing with the misdeeds of another because "that's just how they are", even making choices based off what's good for the whole and not for the being are examples of how bad influences and peer pressure can affect you. Now, not all bad influences are so obvious; some come in the most well-intentioned person you know. It's not necessarily that the idea they are trying to convey is bad, but the methodology behind it may not agree with how you do things. Ever heard of the Well- Meaning Idiot?
The way to combat bad influences is a little something called Willpower. To not be afraid to say no, to know its ok to change your mind, following your instincts or standing firm on your point and beliefs are all ways to combat and succeed. I know sometimes having to be the lone voice in the crowd is hard, but its a task that must be taken on in order to fill satisfied with yourself. Every week or so I learn something new about who I am versus who I used to be and about the people and places I'm around... its how I know that I'm growing and my dear 20-somethings, I hope you are growing too.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Setting Boundaries
Often in life we let people and situations over step the supposed boundaries we have in place.... it happens for a number of reasons. Sometimes its out of love for that person; maybe its because someone need more attention/assistance in a specific area. Majority times, if your like me, you don't even realized its happened. Being available to say, a friend or family member, is needless to say a part of the job of being in their lives. Yet when being available to aid that person in need becomes more of a burden then a joy, that 's when you know that a boundary has been crossed. I myself struggle with wanting to help so much, that I have a hard time recognizing when I'm being used or taken advantage of. I guess it feeds into the whole theory of "Taking someone Kindness for Weakness"... For most people the act of giving, being a shoulder to cry on and often times helping to find the solution to problems are often the situations that boundaries are crossed most.
So how do we stop this from happening? Honestly, we can't because as long as there are lines to be crossed, there will be people who will go the distance. Moreover, the problem lies not in the crossing of said boundary but in the acknowledgment that there are, in fact, Boundaries. When a boundary has been crossed you most often times feel embarrassed, used, exhausted or drained, confused, upset or downright distraught. When these feelings become overwhelming its time for both parties to acknowledge what happened and find a way to resolve or dissolve the problem. When this crucial step isn't taken, it leads to other issues amongst the two parties involved.
So to alleviate all of the confusion and to keep friendships/relationships in-tact I'm going to start to follow (I recommend if this applies to you to do the same) a few rules: Be honest. Always be willing to let someone know when they have crossed the line, how will they know if its never said? Which leads me into my next point, never assume! We are not mind-readers so if something has been done that has ( for example) made you feel disrespected... don't assume they know what got you two to that point, explain it to them. Lastly, make yourself open to being willing to work to a resolution or be willing to walk away. Boundaries are important because their apart of what makes you unique. Allowing anyone, be it family or friend or Co-worker, to cross those lines with you is not ok... not vocalizing why it's not ok is even worse. Afterall, if your not willing to stand for something you fall for anything.
So how do we stop this from happening? Honestly, we can't because as long as there are lines to be crossed, there will be people who will go the distance. Moreover, the problem lies not in the crossing of said boundary but in the acknowledgment that there are, in fact, Boundaries. When a boundary has been crossed you most often times feel embarrassed, used, exhausted or drained, confused, upset or downright distraught. When these feelings become overwhelming its time for both parties to acknowledge what happened and find a way to resolve or dissolve the problem. When this crucial step isn't taken, it leads to other issues amongst the two parties involved.
So to alleviate all of the confusion and to keep friendships/relationships in-tact I'm going to start to follow (I recommend if this applies to you to do the same) a few rules: Be honest. Always be willing to let someone know when they have crossed the line, how will they know if its never said? Which leads me into my next point, never assume! We are not mind-readers so if something has been done that has ( for example) made you feel disrespected... don't assume they know what got you two to that point, explain it to them. Lastly, make yourself open to being willing to work to a resolution or be willing to walk away. Boundaries are important because their apart of what makes you unique. Allowing anyone, be it family or friend or Co-worker, to cross those lines with you is not ok... not vocalizing why it's not ok is even worse. Afterall, if your not willing to stand for something you fall for anything.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Originality vs. Perception
Let's start this off with a great big HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Hopefully you spent NYE with those nearest and dearest to your hearts and/or party hard :)
I have noticed a good deal of you have decided to change the inner you... to evolve into a different version of self. Some have decided that being the same person year after year has not yielded the results in life that you were looking for... and self -reflection is awesome! I commend those of you who have enough insight to see the need for change. As creatures of habit, sometimes it's hard to break old cycles and evolve into the best version of you; especially in the age of reality TV and technology. As 20- Somethings, sometimes we have an identity crisis where who we are/were no longer works for who we want to be; so we begin the search to discover new traits and habits to adopt. Along this path, we pick up many role models with different backgrounds and experiences because we feel we can relate or they hold the key to the type of happiness we're seeking. While looking for inspiration in others is a good thing, we must be choosy of the people we decide to base the "Newer" version of self from.
Throughout the week many of my friends including myself tune into the various reality shows "Love and Hip Hop". " Real housewives of Wherever" and so on and so forth... and then have discussions about the events that transpired . While we all watch for entertainment reasons, I know many people who watch to imitate the success and failures of these women. The lives that the people in the media have did not happen overnight and things weren't always as simple as they may appear to be for them. Some of them have done things in the past they weren't proud of or had to experience major life-altering situations to become your favorite "Housewife" (for example). Imitation is the biggest form of flattery but while trying to follow the steps of others, I believe we start to loose a bit of who we are. Originality should be the goal while undergoing any growth process. We all have a path in this life and just because you may not enjoy the comforts that another seems to doesn't devalue the path and the person you are meant to be.
I believe sometimes we misinterpret the message that is sent out with some of these reality shows. Truly we hear, see and believe what we want but alot of times, these shows are really serving as a warning. The best form of change is to look within yourself and your surroundings to find the things that no longer work; start to improve on those first. Research the role models that you decide to pick up... Ask questions and be as thorough as possible. If you want to be neater, get into the habit of picking up your clothes from the floor before going to bed. If the goal is to be on time, set your clock 5-10 minutes early; You don't have to develop OCD or plaster a time schedule on your wall to make the changes you want. Nor do you have to watch other people live their lives to inspire your own. Be the change you would like to see my dear 20-somethings and the rest will fall into place.
I have noticed a good deal of you have decided to change the inner you... to evolve into a different version of self. Some have decided that being the same person year after year has not yielded the results in life that you were looking for... and self -reflection is awesome! I commend those of you who have enough insight to see the need for change. As creatures of habit, sometimes it's hard to break old cycles and evolve into the best version of you; especially in the age of reality TV and technology. As 20- Somethings, sometimes we have an identity crisis where who we are/were no longer works for who we want to be; so we begin the search to discover new traits and habits to adopt. Along this path, we pick up many role models with different backgrounds and experiences because we feel we can relate or they hold the key to the type of happiness we're seeking. While looking for inspiration in others is a good thing, we must be choosy of the people we decide to base the "Newer" version of self from.
Throughout the week many of my friends including myself tune into the various reality shows "Love and Hip Hop". " Real housewives of Wherever" and so on and so forth... and then have discussions about the events that transpired . While we all watch for entertainment reasons, I know many people who watch to imitate the success and failures of these women. The lives that the people in the media have did not happen overnight and things weren't always as simple as they may appear to be for them. Some of them have done things in the past they weren't proud of or had to experience major life-altering situations to become your favorite "Housewife" (for example). Imitation is the biggest form of flattery but while trying to follow the steps of others, I believe we start to loose a bit of who we are. Originality should be the goal while undergoing any growth process. We all have a path in this life and just because you may not enjoy the comforts that another seems to doesn't devalue the path and the person you are meant to be.
I believe sometimes we misinterpret the message that is sent out with some of these reality shows. Truly we hear, see and believe what we want but alot of times, these shows are really serving as a warning. The best form of change is to look within yourself and your surroundings to find the things that no longer work; start to improve on those first. Research the role models that you decide to pick up... Ask questions and be as thorough as possible. If you want to be neater, get into the habit of picking up your clothes from the floor before going to bed. If the goal is to be on time, set your clock 5-10 minutes early; You don't have to develop OCD or plaster a time schedule on your wall to make the changes you want. Nor do you have to watch other people live their lives to inspire your own. Be the change you would like to see my dear 20-somethings and the rest will fall into place.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
New Years Resolutions
Hope everyone's Christmas was wonderful and everything you needed/wanted it to be!
Let me ask you a Question.... How many of you out there make New Years Resolutions? It's said that about 78% of those who make new years resolutions fail at keeping them... men achieve their NYE Goals 22% more than women who achieve them by 10%. So what does that say about how realistic we are with ourselves? Moreover, how feasible and realistic are the goals we set for ourselves? My mother always preached that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail... what she didn't include in that little saying is that, the plan must obtainable. For many of us, we spend the last few months of the year in review of the Good, the Bad and Ugly that occurred in our lives that year and by December 31st we have a laundry list full of Things to Do/Change about ourselves and surroundings for the corresponding year. While goal setting is highly endorsed by myself ( HIGHLY!) you must ask yourself this, are these resolutions important because its a new year and you wanna start fresh or are these the items that have been on the back burner anyway?
For example...
Year after year I would make the NYE Goal of losing weight; I would look at myself and feel disgust for a moment and then say," I'm going to join a gym and lose 50lbs." yet for 3 years straight, I never attempted this goal. Despite the fact that at 23 I had high blood pressure, stood at 5"8 and weighed 240lbs... I wouldn't attempt to do a thing about my weight. it was crazy! It wasn't until 1 of my best friends and I went to an event for singles and posed for pictures that I realized that I had to do something... This was in September 2009. I immediately went into hyperactive Ebony mode and went to work... 2 years later I stand at 5'9 and weigh 168lbs. I said all of that to say this, I didn't need to set aside this goal for a specific time of year or fall into the trend of NYE... again....it was a change that I needed to make to live and be better.
Many of your NYE goals are just things that may need to happen regardless; lets not fall into the routine of making goals for the sake of making them and lets not wait until December 31st for these goals to take precedent. I finally opened my eyes and saw the need for change and made it.... In September! lol I believe in you my dear 20- Somethings, we can do anything at anytime... lets utilize the whole year to make goals and achieve them; And use NYE for its intended purpose..... TO PARTY! :)
Let me ask you a Question.... How many of you out there make New Years Resolutions? It's said that about 78% of those who make new years resolutions fail at keeping them... men achieve their NYE Goals 22% more than women who achieve them by 10%. So what does that say about how realistic we are with ourselves? Moreover, how feasible and realistic are the goals we set for ourselves? My mother always preached that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail... what she didn't include in that little saying is that, the plan must obtainable. For many of us, we spend the last few months of the year in review of the Good, the Bad and Ugly that occurred in our lives that year and by December 31st we have a laundry list full of Things to Do/Change about ourselves and surroundings for the corresponding year. While goal setting is highly endorsed by myself ( HIGHLY!) you must ask yourself this, are these resolutions important because its a new year and you wanna start fresh or are these the items that have been on the back burner anyway?
For example...
Year after year I would make the NYE Goal of losing weight; I would look at myself and feel disgust for a moment and then say," I'm going to join a gym and lose 50lbs." yet for 3 years straight, I never attempted this goal. Despite the fact that at 23 I had high blood pressure, stood at 5"8 and weighed 240lbs... I wouldn't attempt to do a thing about my weight. it was crazy! It wasn't until 1 of my best friends and I went to an event for singles and posed for pictures that I realized that I had to do something... This was in September 2009. I immediately went into hyperactive Ebony mode and went to work... 2 years later I stand at 5'9 and weigh 168lbs. I said all of that to say this, I didn't need to set aside this goal for a specific time of year or fall into the trend of NYE... again....it was a change that I needed to make to live and be better.
Many of your NYE goals are just things that may need to happen regardless; lets not fall into the routine of making goals for the sake of making them and lets not wait until December 31st for these goals to take precedent. I finally opened my eyes and saw the need for change and made it.... In September! lol I believe in you my dear 20- Somethings, we can do anything at anytime... lets utilize the whole year to make goals and achieve them; And use NYE for its intended purpose..... TO PARTY! :)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The Turning Point
It's been awhile since I actually Blogged and even though I keep a journal, I actually kinda missed this. I have been on a roller coaster for the past 2 1/2 years and Tomorrow I'm turning 26 years old. This has not been the best years lemme tell you! Just about every bad situation you could imagine has happened to me (death of a Parent and Grandparent, Close to Eviction, loss of 2 jobs, loss of love, etc.) I mean this has been a bumpy road with every passing year. Although my birthday comes every year, the anxious feeling about getting older and fearing what is to come (Yeah I have a case of the Birthday Blues) never changes
Now that I'm about to venture into a new phase of my life, I'm filled with questions and my curiosity has peaked. Have I made the best decisions? Was college really worth it? Am I the marrying/motherly type? With each passing day, I wonder what I could be doing with the time I'm not at work or sleep. I have accomplished alot in my time from great internships to working an amazing company; But with 26 literally around the corner I can't help but feel the need to reflect back and I know I'm not alone! It's other 20-somethings out here who are doing the same things.... And I'm here to tell you, it's not just you, it's all of us! Your twenties is about discovery, but in discovering who you are, you must first recognize what you've learned:
26 Years: What I've learned
Now that I'm about to venture into a new phase of my life, I'm filled with questions and my curiosity has peaked. Have I made the best decisions? Was college really worth it? Am I the marrying/motherly type? With each passing day, I wonder what I could be doing with the time I'm not at work or sleep. I have accomplished alot in my time from great internships to working an amazing company; But with 26 literally around the corner I can't help but feel the need to reflect back and I know I'm not alone! It's other 20-somethings out here who are doing the same things.... And I'm here to tell you, it's not just you, it's all of us! Your twenties is about discovery, but in discovering who you are, you must first recognize what you've learned:
26 Years: What I've learned
- Let's Be Friends - I recently learned that I am the "Middle of the Road" friend; meaning that I am often in the middle cause I get along with everyone. Yet because of this, I suffer! Birthdays are hurtful because some friends don't show because of others, I'm excluded from events because of who may come with me and its terrible. I'm at a point now where if we're friends, regardless of others, our friendship must be genuine and real. Fair weather friends, frienemies, etc. have no place in my life!
- Life Can Be Hard, but it Doesn't need your Help- I've banged my head up against the wall several times and probably several more times to come, but I own it because it was from choices I made. When I took my time and planned/stuck with what I know is right, I've been successful and it was easy. I am responsible for what happens to me and no one else, so why not make life easy on myself and do what I believe it right!
- Love is ....- Unexplainable! I have loved and been loved and been brokenhearted... but I don't regret having experienced those emotions or the people it was with. Much like anything else in life you live and you learn... But picking yourself up, learning when to say "enough" and sticking to your word will only lead you to better days and greater Love... I'm hopeful
- Family is Important - We all have our gripes about our families... too demanding, too picky, too noisy, etc. But maintaining a balance, setting boundaries and being there when things get tough will only strengthen your bonds with them and you'll learn that your mom and you have waaay more in common than you thought! lol
- Never be Afraid to Dream- I always wanted to be 1 of 2 things: A Journalist or a Psychiatrist and I had this discussion with my parents at 17 (right after the ACT test) and they discouraged me from doing either one. It wasn't because they didn't believe in me, but because we were a UAW family, grounded in working hard and using trade skills to survive. At that time, they wanted me to do something that would yield results immediately and didn't see how that would happen with those professions. So I went another way.... I had fun, trust me! But I never stopped dreaming about how life would be if I'd stuck to my guns. Thus this blog! No matter how dumb or crazy or extreme the dream is, you have it for a reason... Pursue it!
- Independence is Freedom but Hardwork - The proudest day of my life was when I moved into my first apartment. I paid for the deposit and rent on my own, I bought my furniture and have been doing this on my own for 2 years now. This has not been the easiest thing to do but it is definitely the most rewarding! It feels good to do things on your own without help from others but maintaining it is definitely hard work. Independence is earned...
- Your Word is All you have- Trust isn't given, its earned! And everyday you should remind yourself of these words... the fastest way to commit acts of hate or even sin (depending on your beliefs) is to open our mouths. Staying true to your word is important not because you want to appear trustworthy but so that you can trust yourself. It's how friendships and relationships are built, it's how you excel in your careers and how people judge your character.
- Always Be Nice! - "It always pays to be nice, it doesn't cost a thing" I heard this quote about a year ago and it resonates with me because I always try to consider people's feelings in what I do and say. Now I'm no Mother Teresa, but I speak to strangers in the halls at work or at the bus stop, I smile when possible and I try to have a kind word or joke for those I'm around. I do it because it not only makes me feel good but because you never know what your smile and a warm "How's your day going?" can really do to a person... for some it lifts their moods and for others it can save their life
- What's "Right" for now isn't always "Right" for later - "The Popular choice, isn't always the right choice" Being on the side of right and doing the right thing is challenging because it all depends on your views. Your view of friendships and family, your love life, your job, etc. and the concept always changes. The thing to remember and to ask yourself when your trying to do the "Right Thing" is how does this affect me and is it beneficial to all parties involved?
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